my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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