she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
