There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
