just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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