you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
