I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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