If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
