Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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