Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
