Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
