i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
