My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
