I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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