is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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