brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
