just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
