Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
