I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
