I wish I only lived at night.
farters have to be the big spoon...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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