pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
