Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
How does it feel to date your dad?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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