I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
