I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
