you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
