you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
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Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
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The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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