my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
