Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
