I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
