If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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