party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
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From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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