I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
