last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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