btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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