Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
