I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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