Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
