Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
