I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
