so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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