I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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