Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
