Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
