wrigley field is MILF paradise
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
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I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
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my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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