the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Success! We fucked roommates!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
