I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
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The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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