Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
