Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
