oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
