it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
