If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
