i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
